The Hogwarts Inquisition
by Kage-Kami-Sennin
Summary: Crack!Fic: "All pay heed, now enters Her Mightiness, Umbridge, the High Inquisitor of the Hogwarts Inquisition." to "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" to "What are the French doing in England?"


As usual, I have failed to obtain ownership of anything. Kudos to people who got the basis just from the summary. And yes, it does get even more random as the end comes. If this is offensive to anyone...Sorry, tough luck. Get a thicker skin.

* * *

The year was 1995. The Ministry idiots still refused to acknowledge Voldemort's return. It was the hour of the infamous Educational Degree, where, for Ministerial amusement, the believers were tortured in a cat-infested atmosphere.

And it was guided, by the most terrifying toad, ever sit in judgment over schoolteachers and children. The High Inquisitor, Umbridge.

_Enter Percy Weasley. A young lad of the Weasley family, recently out of school, his attitude has estranged him from the rest of his rather large family. His black robes drape around his body as he faces opposite his superiors. His hood is up, covering the red hair that is commonplace in his family, but showing his face clearly._

Percy Weasley:"All pay heed, now enters Her Mightiness, Umbridge, the High Inquisitor of the Hogwarts Inquisition."

*gong*

"Umbridge, do not employ her for compassion. Umbridge, do not beg her for forgiveness. Umbridge, do not ask her for mercy. Let's face it, you can't um-bitch her out of anything."

*gong*

_Enter Umbridge and Ministry cronies. Umbridge is wearing her usual set of blinding pink, while the Ministry cronies all wear plain black robes._

Umbridge:"Let all those who wish to confess their wrong-doing, and to embrace the current Ministry, speak up now, or forever rot in Azkaban. For now begins the Inquisition!"

_Umbridge jumps down the steps she was standing on, and struts around the main hall. She seems to be under the impression that she owns the place now. All the rest of the cast looks on, eyebrows raised._

"The Inquisition!"

Ministry: "Lets' begin!"

Umbridge: "The Inquisition!"

Ministry: "Look out sin!"

Umbridge: "We have a mission, to reform the school!"

Ministry: "Sch-Sch-School, School, School, School, School!"

Umbridge: "We're gonna teach them."

Ministry: "Wrong from right!"

Umbridge: "We're gonna help them!"

Ministry: "See the light!"

Umbridge: "And make some rules, that they won't break."

Ministry: "Confess! Don't be boring! Say yes! Don't be dull!"

All: "A fact, you're ignoring..."

Umbridge: "It's better to have detention than be expelled! The Inquisition!"

All: "What a show! The Inquisition! Here we go! We know you're wishing, that we'd go away!"

Umbridge: "But the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay!"

_Enter Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom, in the dungeons. They have their hands handcuffed above them, courtesy of Argus Filch._

Harry: "I was sitting in a classroom, minding my own business, humming a lovely dancing tune. Then these people come and plunge in, and put me in a dungeon. It that considerate? Is that polite?"

Neville: "I'm sitting doing homework, and suddenly these guys break down the door. I barely even knew them, but they had me by the scrotum, and they started playing ping-pong with my balls. Oh the agony! Oh the shame!"

_Exit Harry and Neville. Re-enter Umbridge and the Ministry. Umbridge is doing cartwheels, kinda. The Ministry is laughing collectively at the attempts._

Umbridge: "The Inquisition!"

Ministry: "What a show!"

Umbridge: "The Inquisition!"

All: "Here we go! We know you're wishing, that we'd go away! But the Inquisition's here and it's here to-"

_Enter Inquisitorial Squad (IS). This group consists of the nastiest of Slytherin house, or really, the ones who have important fathers._

IS: "Hey Umbridge! What do ya say?"

Umbridge: "I just got back from the auto-de-fe."

IS: "Auto-de-fe? What's and auto-de-fe?"

Umbridge: "It's what you ought not to do, but you do anyway."

_Enter Students. A ragtag group of students from every house except Slytherin. Most are part of Dumbledore's Army._

Umbridge: "Will you accept?"

Students: "No, no, no, no."

Umbridge: "Will you confess?"

Students: "No, no, no, no."

Umbridge: "Will you reject?"

Students: "No, no, no, no."

Umbridge: "Will you say yes?"

Students: "No, no, no, no."

Umbridge: "Now I asked in a nice way, I said pretty please, I scarred their hands, now I'll work on their feet!"

_Exit Students, as quickly as possible._

Ministry: "Hey Umbridge, walk this way, we have a little game that you might want to play. So pull that handle, try your luck! Who knows chuck, ya might win a buck!"

Umbridge: "Alright."

*slot machine payout, along with a mass of galleons, appear from a slot in the wall*

Umbridge: "Put it on the broom."

Ministry, one by one to each other: "On the broom."

_Enter IS. They nearly strut in, but try to keep it down around Umbridge, less she feel threatened._

Umbridge: "How we doing? Any acceptors today?"

IS: "Not a one, nay, nay, nay."

Umbridge: "We've scarred their hands, we've tortured their pets, nothing is working! Get the dementors!"

*door bursts open while church bells ring in the background*

_Enter dementors, amazingly fast. Practically jumping, which is strange, for something that floats. Instead of the traditional black cloaks, these dementors wear cloaks of cardinal red._

Dementors: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

Umbridge: "Wrong version of this skit...what idiot trained them anyway?"

Dementors: "Our two main weapons are surprise, surprise and fear, fear and surprise. And ruthless efficiency...our three weapons. And an almost fanatical devotion to lunatics...four weapons."

Umbridge: "Someone get these crazies out now!"

_The dementors pull back their hoods, to reveal ludicrous helmets and even more ludicrous accents and mustaches. Apparently, the hood had voice-altering properties._

Ministry: "What are the French doing in England?"

Dementors: "Mind your own business, you English pig-dog! We already have our own grail!"

Ministry: "But we weren't looking for..."

Dementors: " I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. "

Umbridge: "What a strange group..."

_Enter entire cast. Everyone joins arms for a rather lame attempt at the can-can._

Everyone: "The Inquisition! What a show! The Inquisition! Here we go! We know you're wishing, that we'd go away! Because the Inquisition's here! And. Its. Here to. STAY!


End file.
